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We're talking age gaps — dating younger, dating older, and the perceptions that come with both. us as we chat with Lindsey about her experience dating guys with almost a 20 year age gap younger. We discuss the benefits and challenges that arise from dating someone much younger, why she finds terms like being a 'cougar' extremely problematic, and how we can be inspired to open our minds and age filters while dating. The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about.
My Zodiac sign: Cancer
Other hobbies: Surfing the net
I like tattoo: None
Imagine bathing in a source of unwavering loyalty.
I was an overeducated black woman with good credit, no kids, who was 20 years his senior — I should have known better. Turning 42 brought on self-criticism and disappointment that flowered like a bruise. Worst of all: the age-appropriate men I had dated. After that breakup, I vowed to never make a submissive deal for love again. The forces of solitude were crushing me when the damp-sky summer began. I was haunting a corner market deed to look like a Gold Rush general store, buying the cheapest bottle of Pinot Noir and a sushi platter for one, when out of nowhere the bearded guy working the register asked me to dinner.
What I did was relax, letting myself simply be worshipped.
Then he told me that his worst day had been when his mother sexually abused him. She was an addict and pretty much my contemporary. So Oedipus had been introduced in Act One. What was even more revealing was when he shared his history with older women: his last serious girlfriend was almost my age.
She had three strokes while carrying his child. He left her during a tense recovery, when the healthy baby and the infirm mother both needed someone to wipe their tushies. Hopelessness set in.
Tempers flared. As Nietzsche said, sometimes we show compassion to the unlucky because we are just glad it is not us. So I kept ordering Pinots, observing this tragic man, slightly buoyed by how I was faring much better than him and the women who had encountered him. Soon, I was drunk. And as I made out with him while waiting for my Lyft Line to arrive, my brain suddenly snapped awake to this blunder.
When I got home, I texted to say there would be no second date. It felt like some meerkat, dominant-female bullshit — my manager was also in the room, but I got all the abuse. Suddenly, I needed glorifying.
I texted the year-old. He met me at an Ethiopian lounge near my house.
For the next two months, he would greet me outside my office, tell me I looked cute, take my hand, and guide me through grimy streets like a crossing guard does a school child. By date five, he had said he loved me. If a stress pimple exploded on my temple and bled, he would fit a tiny Band-Aid over it and coo at me. In bed, he was as careful and attentive as someone preparing a body for burial.
Dating man 10 years younger than me
Why did I up with this guy? Maybe I wanted to be the self-centered asshole in a relationship. I crabbed at him all the time. As the relationship captain, I steered the ship.
S12e6: dating younger men
I counseled him into community college. I also underwrote our meals. We lived in the most expensive city in America; carrying us both made me feel superior. Secretly, I wished for an equal. It made me even more despondent about my life. Then she kills him. Or see me anymore.
He bowed out the door peacefully, and I chased him barefoot down Fillmore Street, feeling mean-spirited and craven. He turned around and listened wearily as I made a pessimistic gesture about my future, saying I wanted another chance. Later, holding hands on the walk home, he attacked something I had said that was ungrammatical. I replied with a comeback that barely makes sense now. He strode off at double the pace and disappeared, leaving me alone in a Hooverville along Seventeenth Street.
I called and I texted and I spiraled until he blocked me — even on Facebook. What I neglected to see was that I identified with him. As a sorrowful figure who woke up into a mess with no clear solution, my drifting midlife crisis yoked well with his whole-life crisis.
I realized that I was sloshing around in too much resentment. I started therapy. I got a very tiny grant to support my writing. I fessed up to wishing bitterly for ethical partnership and creative success and a different president.